The Realities of Parenthood

Perfect

adjective

/ˈpəːfɪkt/ 

Having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be.

The perfect parent is something every mother/father strives to be and what most of us fail at overtime, realising we’re never going to meet this unrealistic expectation that society has thrown at us. 

The pressure created by staged Instagram posts and lies that are publicised through Facebook posts fill out feeds everyday, leading to insecurities within ourselves that can’t be fixed. But even though we know these posts are lies, why do we listen to them? We know that they’re posing for a pat on the back and yet we still let them affect us? This is (in my experience) due to our own self-doubt and negative surroundings. 

You see these posts make us feel inadequate due to the fact we want to be these perfectly staged parents but when we look in the mirror we are everything but. We would love to feel full of energy and excitement beaming through us when we wake up in the morning, not having to drown ourself in caffeine just to operate correctly during the day. We would love to not clean the house spick and span before family or friends visit just to have them look down on us as our kids toys flood the room. 

Now if you’re like me, you haven’t watched a tv show properly that’s for you since your child’s birth. My brain is now wired to play cocomelon songs on repeat, know all the nursery rhymes known to man and be able to recite them perfectly. This filled me with jealousy as I looked on social media to see other mothers be able to live their life freely and their children be babysat by their loved ones so that they are able to do this. But when I did finally have a “night without the kids”, just a moment of freedom, I got judged… not by one person.. but by everyone. I was told that I should’ve been at home with the kids. That my life revolves around them and that I chose to have them, therefor I must be there 24/7 around the clock…. Maybe this is why I strived to be the perfect parent following this. 

If we fast forward to now, I haven’t been out in over a year. I had another baby within that time and lost a lot of friends due to never being available. But I also felt the crippling sadness of watching everyone post pictures of their night out and checking your phone to see that you did not even get an invite of the ones you thought valued your company. 

Parenting is extremely lonely… but they don’t tell you this. Instead they tell you that you dedicate your life to your children and your life will blossom from that point onwards, giving this stigma that is more than possible to reach perfection throughout their life. The perfect routine, the perfect child, the perfect parent… but that is the furthest from the truth. In fact the only true part about what everyone says is the dedication and time you put into your children. 

From nappy changes, to making lunches, bottles, sterilising, nap time…. A parents job is never finished. When the children go to bed you then have to clean the house, finally shower… the endless jobs of a tired parent never stops. We then listen to people after the end of this tiring day tell us that we could’ve done more… we could’ve played with our kids more, taken them to X place, done more housework.. the list goes on as we know. But even when the day is done we don’t feel accomplished due to this, instead we feel the disappointment in ourselves that swallows us whole and spits us back out the next day to start fresh, adding a list of to-do’s in our heads to silence the critiques that don’t know how crushing the pressure really is. 

Someone who is reading this without kids may think all of this is an exaggeration but I think many of my fellow parents can tell you it’s not… if anything it’s an understatement of the truth. An understatement of the parental guilt that follows us wherever we go, the moment where we’re on the brink of tears but act as though we’re okay and plaster the fakest smile on our faces until it’s a reality. The doubt in every action we make as we’re not sure if other parents would do this but it feels right to us so it’s worth a go, then if it fails the feeling of that failure running through you as you belittle yourself due to the tiniest mistakes. 

Now I can bet 100% of parents feel this but most refuse to admit it. We feel completely defeated all the time whilst showing everyone else we are invincible. The hidden persona under our superhero facade is one that only our closest friends and family know but the world, even our kids, are shielded from because how bad would it be if they found out we are weak sometimes… right? To show the slightest vulnerability would be to show dearest and we can’t do that otherwise them mummy blogs we scroll through each day would be proven to have bested us. The parents that judge others due to THEIR own insecurities would have a field day if only they knew the truth…

But they do know it, we just don’t see it. Everyone knows how we feel but no one wants to give anyone the slack they deserve due to never receiving it themselves and that’s why at the end of this rant about how awful everything may seem to be here’s my advice… 

1. Stop listening to doubters 

I know what you’re thinking, easier said than done… I get it. But also, it’s not. The child you’re raising is yours to raise and as long as that child’s not in any harm, is happy and healthy, what is the issue with stopping listening to these people? There isn’t any. Yes you may receive some backlash, but who doesn’t? 

Once you stop listening to the bad advice and the critiques, parenting gets a whole lot easier. 

1. Give yourself a time out 

You deserve a break too! Whether it’s for 5 minutes or a whole night. The guilt may be there, but the reality is that if you’re burnt out you will never be able to do anything with your best efforts. So take that class you’ve been wanting to go to! Have a half hour bath whilst the kids are in bed and leave the cleaning till later.. just enjoy yourself as your own person for a few minutes to remind yourself what you work towards each day. 

1. Never lose sight of what you’re working towards

Remember that the things you do effect your kids and their lives, no one else’s. This is about your kids, not the critiques, only their future matters and that’s the end goal. As long as you’re striving to give them the best that you possibly can (not the perfect future), then you’re doing a great job.  

1. If you see another parent struggling, offer to help instead of throwing judgement their way 

You may think their child is Ill-mannered or behaved but what people don’t consider is how much effort and time that parent put into that child before they lost hope on it. That parent that you belittle within that moment, probably judges themselves 10x more when their child is put to bed and they’re alone than you do. So if you do see an instance where this is happening, be supportive and work with them, not against them. Because you have no idea of their struggle and they have no idea of yours. 

And last but not least…. 

1. Stop putting so much unnecessary pressure on yourself and start appreciating what you do for your kids! 

Now this part is the most important part. You put so much pressure on yourself to be the most outstanding parent whilst completely burning yourself out, this needs to stop! And I cannot stress this point enough. To be the best for our kids we need to feel great within ourselves. It’s okay not to be perfect and it’s okay to make mistakes, but what’s not okay is to emotionally wreck yourself due to making a tiny mistake. Don’t be scared of the judgment of others because no one is perfect, especially no parent even if they may seem it. We all have hiccups, we all make mistakes.. but what matters is that we all try our very best and that’s all anyone can ask of us. 

So to conclude this post, I’d like to congratulate every parent out there doing their absolute best for their kids and I wish/hope they can block out the negativity that comes with the title of “parent”. You’re all smashing it and keep smashing it! Because you may not think it… but to your child, you’re the best thing to walk this earth 😊